Step 52: Don't forget to let your subconscious do the driving sometimes

We all have those moments when genius strikes at unlikely moments.  And let's face it, those thoughts seem that much better and that much more valuable.  Sneaking thoughts carry more value.  No discussion.  But sometimes, I struggle to let my thoughts sneak anywhere.  I close off the recesses of my mind and keep it all in the forefront where I can properly experience anxiety over unfinished projects and love lost and undone dishes and fights with my mom.  I like to keep things in focus, but in order to do that, I have to let them go out of focus first, drift away into the dark, and then re-adjust the focus later.  It's just how good, focused thought works.



Example:

Tonight in class, I realized I had one week to compose a piece I had thought would be on the Salt Lake City graveyard.  I really haven't found anything groundbreaking to write about in the graveyard just yet, so I was feeling uneasy.  In other circumstances I would be more apt to turn in shit, but everyone in the class will read the piece and workshop it, so I feel like the stakes are higher.  Anyhow, all class long I kept thinking if I could switch my topic to something else, but nothing else was really coming across as a better option.  I felt locked into the graveyard piece that was still very ill-formed and fetal looking in my mind.  Ugh.

I'm anxious so I eat.  I got PF Chang's take-out.  Spicy almond and cashew chicken with brown rice.  So bad for me, but anxiety clouds even the best intentioned diet plan.

Come home.  Eat.

My roommate and I discuss what to get my friend for her birthday tomorrow.  I suggest we look through my old books to see if she may like one.  I bring the stack to the living room.  Instead of thinking about the birthday, I remember why I loved all of those books.  On a full stomach, I perused the used pages and memories within them.

We cannot decide what to get our friend.  Indecision.

It's late.  I should sleep, but I can't.  I begin googling things.  I check the Broken Social Scene page to see when their next concert is on the off chance that it may be at all near me at some point in the summer.  One tour date:  Ontario, June 8th.  I will be in Europe then.  I notice on the page a 2007 Kevin Drew album I had never heard.  WHAT THE HELL LIZ? HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS?  I want to download it but do not have a current credit card linked to my iTunes account.  Back to the living room for my wallet.

I grab my wallet, and then stand to look at the pile of books on the coffee table from before.  I debate if I should bring them back to my room now or just leave them like the douchy roommate I am.  I sit down and pick up The Future Dictionary of America.  I read through several entries.  Something biological happens in my brain and I am suddenly seeing a dictionary of Salt Lake and I am reading an entry for gentile.  I think, what could even go in the Z section though.  Duh, Zion.  It dawns on me.  I will write a dictionary of Salt Lake for my SLC piece that is due next week.

I leave the stack of books on the coffee table minus the dictionary.  That comes back to my room.  I lay in bed and listen to more of the Kevin Drew album.  Eating all that PF Changs was not worth it.

Step 51: How to Eat Fake Italian Food

I was dragged to Macaroni Grill today by my friend Derek. I did NOT want to go. Derek and I both worked at the Mac Grill several years ago and are all to aware of their cooking methods to be eating there. I use the term "cooking methods" very loosely here. No one actually "cooks" in a classical sense at Mac Grill; it is more of a glorified microwaving service. The food is all frozen, packaged, and delivered to each store to be reheated and served. Boiling the pasta is the closest thing they do to cooking and even that is done sometimes days before serving. Needless to say, we knew what we were getting into.

 However, I was unprepared for the lies (that's right. you heard me. LIES.) that were so ridiculously printed across the menu.

This menu that has been updated since my days as a proud Macaroni Grill hostess advertises "Had Crafted Pasta" and in the bottom center "Fresh Pasta."  The pasta was mushy and nothing about it was hand crafted.  Those noodles had nothing on Barilla.  Maybe I've been watching too much Kitchen Nightmares, but I feel this is a flawed system, Mr. Ramano!  What would Chef Ramsay say?!

Step 50: Sick Days = Daft Punk Days

I have been sick. (Please pause here and feel bad for me.) I pretty much just laid in bed all day and Googled things and watched music videos while I drifted in and out of consciousness.

I watched all of Daft Punk's movie Interstella 5555 on Youtube. Then, since I love to repeat things, I watched my DVD of it. Best. Cartoon. Ever.

Step 49: Become A Big Shot Movie Producer

...who produces Haiku movies.

I'm back in school and learning all kinds of meaningless things. In my electronic writing class, we are learning how to use final cut pro. I made my first movie in just a shade under an hour. We had to write Haikus and then find images on Google to accompany the poems. Then I photoshopped my pictures a bit (aka I clicked random things in Photoshop-- because I don't know what any of it means-- until something I liked happened). It's all very high tech. Only master's of English like me can do this sort of thing.

So Hollywood, can you please give me my mil now so I can quit school and start watching Netflix full time?

Here's the masterpiece:

Step 48: Get Religion

I found God today between the layers of veggies and folds of cheese on a Jimmy John's sandwich. Each bite tasted like a spiritual awakening.

Step 47: The Art of Boredom

Summer vacation is a great thing in a teacher's life, but also a very complicated thing. I went from working anywhere from 60-80 hours a week (I had two jobs, P.F. Chang's and teaching) to working 20-30 hours a week. This week, I have Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off from work! That's a lot of time on a girl's hands whose life has solely consisted of work for the past year. But, with a little planning, those days fly by. In order to fill worthless days of nothing, follow these easy steps:

1. Sleep late. Even though your body wants to get up at 7:30 or 8 am, don't let it. The longer you can force your body to linger in bed, the less hours you have to find things to do during the day.

2. Take your time getting ready. There's no rush when time doesn't exist for you. Try everything in your closet on until you look perfect. Listen to music while getting ready. Put on a full face of make-up. Kill as much time as possible in this stage.

3. Think of all of the potential things you could do during the day. And then make sure you space them out. You don't want to do it all at once in the morning. No, no, no. Get your eyebrows waxed in the morning. Take a break. Go to the book store. Take a break. Eat lunch. Take a break. Space out your errands to maximize time wasting.

4. Only drive scenic routes. Drive the back roads that take an extra few minutes to get wherever you are going. You may even see something new. You can learn and waste time!

5. Call everyone you know. Talking on the phone is a great waste of time. And if you call everyone you know, someone is bound to answer.

6. Watch all the movies that your boyfriends never wanted to watch with you. You know, all the Jane Austen's and episodes of Glee that you can never con anyone into seeing with you.

7. Read. Reading should be thrown in throughout the day. In step three's "breaks," reading is an excellent option. It fills time and makes you smart.

8. Wander the mall. Who knows, maybe you need something.

9. Eat your favorites. Drive to the next town over to get your favorite take-out or make a special trip to the grocery store to cook something delicious. Dinner can take six hours if you want. The longer the better.

10. Clean your house. This is the hardest part in the art of being bored. But if your house is messy like mine, and you are bored everyday like me, and never clean your house even though you are bored like me, then you will just feel bad about yourself. You have to turn off Netflix, and do the laundry and dishes. It will feel better in the long run.

Step 46: You Can't Have It All

Even though we always want it, we can't have it all; it's just not possible. And as soon as you think you're close, you'll end up with nothing. However, in these situations, nothing can be the best thing for you. Sometimes you need the universe to spit in your face, tell you that you cannot have your cake and eat it too, and then wipe your slate clean in order to really see how unfair it was to try to have more than your share of anything. But good things do still happen and will happen again to you, but maybe slowly at first. And the best part of the whole process is that we get know ourselves more completely.

Hello, New Day.

Step 45: Give to the Earth and the Earth Will Give Back

I hostessed at P.F. Chang's today. My shift started at 4:30. Not a lot of people get dinner around then, so naturally, it was slow. To keep busy, I snacked on food, wiped things down that were already clean, folded napkins, and performed other mindless tasks- basically anything to keep myself from falling asleep.

While looking for pointless chores, I noticed a small trash tornado was cycloning about on the patio. Large pieces of styrofoam had been caught in our gates along with receipts, newspapers, packing peanuts, and candy wrappers, and it was all blowing about with a bunch of dead leaves. I was mesmerized by the spinning garbage.

I decided to sweep it up. I marched outside with my broom and dustpan and began to sweep. Because the wind was blowing so fiercely, I struggled to sweep the garbage into the dust pan. I would think I finally had a trash particle in my grasp only to see it swept into the air and out of my reach. My coworkers had gathered at the door to laugh at me.

I brought in heap after heap of trash, and my fellow workers continued to taunt me. As I went back out to the patio for a final sweep, I felt pretty sheepish. I did sort of look like a trash-loving fool out here chasing this garbage around. Why was I doing this? And then, the heavens opened up and the earth paid me for services rendered. That's right, I'm talking money. I found a 10 dollar bill blowing about in the leaves. A small fortune.

Give to the earth and she will give back. And all of you butt holes at work can suck it.

Step 44: My Life, The Ben Folds Musical

It's no secret that I am a huge Ben Folds/Ben Folds Five fan, have been since I was a kid. My sisters are pretty big fans as well, and we always marvel at his vast array of discography. A while back, it was mentioned amongst us that a musical of anyone's life could be made with only Ben Folds or Ben Folds Five music. On my flight from Salt Lake to Pittsburgh this Christmas, I decided to use my spare time to write my very own Ben Folds musical of my life. I decided which songs would go for which year of my life. Here it is:

1 -5 years old: Gracie and Philosophy and For All the Pretty People
6 - 10 years old: Kate and She Don't Use Jelly and Bastard
11 years old: Jane
12 years old: Alice Childress
13 years old: Air
14 years old: Underground
15 years old: Best Imitation of Myself and Rockin' the Suburbs
16 years old: Not the Same
17 years old: Julianne and Song for the Dumped

Intermission: Mitchell Lane and Steven's Last Night in Town and Fred Jones Pt 2 and Magic

18 years old: Your Redneck Past and Army
19 years old: Wandering and Jackson Cannery
20 years old: Zak and Sara and Still Fighting It
21 years old: Landed and Regrets
22 years old: Annie Waits and Don't Change Your Plans and Evaporated
23 years old: Late and Video

....choreography to follow.

Step 43: Accomplish Great Things

I have been trying to apply to graduate school over the past few weeks. It has been a totally irritating process, and I really have got nothing done so far which is so typical of me. While filling out applications, I keep running across the same question: What is one of your greatest accomplishments (or something to that tune). It's pretty standard, I know, but always a difficult question for me. You see, I am excellent at being a face in the crowd and making snide comments under my breath, not for being captain of the whatever or leader of the X. And besides, shouldn't it be obvious what my greatest accomplishment is? I'm applying for graduate school which means I GRADUATED...but I feel like I can't write that. Every time I read this question, I start to zone out because it makes me feel like nothing is enough for these people.

While quietly zoning out the other day, one of my favorite childhood accomplishments came flooding back to me...

I was at my neighbor's house, Stephanie. She had this fancy basement with a laser-disk player that we would watch Tom and Jerry on all the time (and later in life we would switch out Tom and Jerry for Spice World...but that's another story). Her basement also had an awesome sound system hooked up with the laser-disk. I guess this was sort of lost on us since we only used it to watch cartoons, but her brother was very aware of the basement's capabilities.

Some how, a game got started with Steph and I and her brother who was five or six years older than us. The game was that we would each pick a song from his CD collection and make a dance routine to it. Her brother would then watch the dances and judge them.

Naturally, we would mostly pick No Doubt and Ace of Base songs, but there was one song we always wanted to pick but were too afraid: Janet Jackson - If. We had both tried dancing to the song before. For whatever reason, the beats of Janet Jackson proved to be far too superior for our elementary dance moves. Dancing to that song always meant a losing score. It was dance competition death to choose that song.

Well, after drinking a lot of Juicy-Juice and eating a bowl of Spaghettios, I felt like I was on-top of the world, and then we decided to play dance competition. I chose "If." Her brother kept warning me, begging me not to throw away the competition, not to seal my own fate. Stephanie hungrily licked her lips at what was turning out to be an easy win. "No," I told them both, "I want to do it."

I stuck to my instincts and danced to "If." When it was my turn to dance, I moved like I was on fire. Flailing about and doing cartwheel after cartwheel. I was going to win this dance to "If" no matter what. I wanted it so bad. All I really remember is thinking that I had to go faster.

My speed and effort paid off. When Steph and I both stood before our judge, I received a 9.5 (or something like that...I don't remember exactly). He said it was the highest score ever awarded for an "If" routine. I swelled with pride. I had decided what I wanted, went after it, and got it. A true Neeley- hard worker by day, dancer by night.

I know that most of you will read this and chuckle or, even better, roll your eyes, but I think it was my first sign of greatness. And I just can't stop thinking about a graduate board reading this story and thinking that I am insane which for some reason gives me a little bit of a smile. Plus, they already know my most recent greatest accomplishment- graduating - so why not give them my first as well?

Step 42: Curse Everyone on the Planet

I don't have cable because I tend to waste my life away watching horrible reality TV shows. (They just suck you in! You can't blame me! If something is flashy and shiny and has lots of screaming involved, I can't look away.) However, there are still some fabulous shows that I love on cable, so I just watch the shows that I like on Hulu every week to keep up and buy the shows later.

This has been a full proof method until 30 Rock: Season 4. I missed the beginning of the fourth season because I forgot that it started or something...I don't remember why, but the point is, by the time I realized my mistake, Hulu had already taken off the first few episodes. I decided that rather than watch the rest of the season without the beginning episodes, I would wait all year until it came out on DVD. It was a long. hard. 30 Rock-less. year.

Two weeks ago, I finally ordered and received the much anitcipated fourth season. I open the package and pull out the disc on the far left of the tri-fold case. I started watching it kind of late one night, and I ended up falling asleep after three episodes or so. The next day I watched the rest of the disc. I felt confused as to what exactly was going on, but I just attributed it to the fact that I watched the beginning few episodes sort of sleepy (being sleepy in my family is approximately the same as being on heroine, so who knows what I saw). I continued with the season, but I kept feeling confused.

Yesterday, I sit down to watch the rest of the last disc. I press "select episode" rather than "play all" and realize, to my horror, that I was watching disc 1. Some fool of a person put the discs into the case wrong! They were ordered 2, 3, 1. At that point, I basically went into a rage black out and cursed everyone on the planet (sorry, everyone on the planet).

But, after some deep breaths, extensive swearing, and kicking my feet on my floor until the guy under me hit the ceiling with his broom handle, I calmed down and started the season over. The right way.

Step 41: New Things I Have Been Doing On Repeat So You Should Probably Do Them Too

1. yelling "Neva heard of him/her/it" in a bizarre accent that sounds vaguely British

2. saying "bobsled" instead of "cool" for no reason...no reason at all

3. calling seventh graders with braces "metal-mouth" because they always act shocked and hurt no matter how many times you say it

4. wearing leggings as real pants even when people tell you things like, "you are always wearing your pajamas everywhere"

5. listening to the Robert Francis song "Mescaline" on repeat at home, in the car, in the work place, on walks and anything else I may do

6. googling the word mescaline on your school computer where the district watches everything you do over and over as you look for the Robert Francis song "Mescaline"....they probably didn't even notice, right?

7. telling your students that you are going to stab your eyes out if they click that pen one more time, and then when they inevitably click their pen one more time, fall to your knees and drive your thumbs into your eyes while some of the girls yelp and gasp in shock even though this is a daily occurrence in class

Step 40: Get Mean. Get Real Mean.

I teach seventh grade English right now at Payson Junior High. I am exactly one week in, and it's been a bit harder than I expected sometimes. One boy would not stop yelling "double tird" at people on the first day of school. Another boy talks about boobs non-stop and thinks that I will believe him when he says, "I'm just supporting breast cancer." But, overall, I am enjoying my new job and my students.

However, I was recently informed that all of my students are not enjoying me. Today at my staff meeting, the foods teacher informed me of a conversation she had with a student we share...

Foods Teacher: How are your classes going?

Student: They're okay...I don't have a lot of classes with my friends...which sucks.

Foods Teacher: What about your teachers?

Student: I have the MEANEST English teacher.

Foods Teacher: Oh yea? Who is your English teacher?

Student: Ms. Neeley...she yells at us all the time and wants us to read a lot.

When I heard this story, I couldn't believe it! This student was from my one class that I don't ever have problems with. I have not yelled at them once! AND we have been doing fun group assignments and easy tasks. AND they've gotten candy almost everyday for being so well behaved and working hard on their assignments.

Well, if that boy thought I was mean before, wait until tomorrow. Ms. Neeley just got mean. For real this time.

Step 39: Only Be Attractive Outside of Your Home Country

What. In. The. Hell.

Every single time a guy hits on me, he is foreign. Which is not a bad thing...I like other countries just as much as the next guy; in fact, I probably like them more. But, I just don't get why the only men who EVER think I am attractive have a thick accent and have only been living in the US for a short time.

I have three theories:

1. Men from other countries appreciate a nice healthy butt (a nice way of saying an enormous rear end...which I have).

2. Men who are checking me out are new to America and are thus attracted to ANYTHING American including Hilary Clinton, obesity, diet pop, littering, western movies, the "NOW" CD's, and Nickelodeon.

3. Men who are fresh off the boat think I am a catch because they have lived in America for such a short time that they have not yet seen the full spectrum of what the female American has to offer.

Whatever the actual reason may be, I would like to know why native English speakers can't ask a girl out once in a while!

PS - To all of my foreign admirers out there- broken English + poorly executed pick up lines + plus taking my picture when I'm not looking (yes, that really did happen. Today. Twice by the same man.) does not really win me over.

Step 38: Get It From Your Momma

As many of you know, I am a half-assed vegetarian, a characteristic that gives me trouble on both sides. Real vegetarians and vegans find me even more insulting than meat-eaters, and meat-eaters find me dim-witted due to the fact that I avoid eating meat if possible.

My family falls into the "meat-eater" category. Now and then my family will give me a hard time about not loving meat. Once my mom even told me that not eating meat was just "abuncha liberal hocus pocus" (whatever that may mean). However, on my trip back to the east half of the US this summer, I realized that the apple does not fall far from the tree.

We noticed that the basement had a few mice roaming around in the ceiling, so we got mice traps to eradicate them. My mom bought a trap that consisted of a stick piece of paper to catch the mice and then the solution on the paper would make the mice fall asleep and eventually die. She set the paper in various places in the basement, and not long after, she noticed a mouse caught in the sticky paper, but not yet asleep by the magical sticky solution.

She was torn. She stared at the mouse for a bit, watching it writhe and whine on the paper. In the end, she decided to save the mouse. My mother gently removed the mouse from the paper, but the mouse was still covered in stickiness. Cradling the hurt mouse she was now calling Stewart Little, she attempted to rinse his sticky legs off in the sink. Try as she did, Stewart's legs remained sore and sticky. So, she put the mouse into a shoe box with a bit of peanut butter, cheese, and a wet paper towel so he would have water.

The next day, the mouse was perky and alert in his shoe box, almost fully recovered. My mom decided to spray him with Goo-Be-Gone to eliminate the stickiness. I was sure that this would finally be the end of Stewart. But, Stewart was a fighter. The Goo-Be-Gone freed his legs up and did not kill him. Once again, my mom left him with food and water for the night.

By the third day, Stewart was in perfect health. My mom was going to take him out of the shoe box and release him into the woods out back of our house. As my mom lifted Stewart out of the box in the kitchen to say good-bye, he sensed the danger he was in and lept out of her hands and behind our dishwasher, never to be seen again.

My mom now sets the metal traps that kill the mice and then leaves the dead mouse in the trap because she does not want to see the damage she has caused. Basically, she is a half-assed killer, like me. It's in my blood. Just like the wise Juvenile said, I get it from my momma.

Step 37: Love the 90's...and Don't Be Selective

(In response to Sarah Culp's July 28th blog post: "Why?" http://sarahandrobbie.blogspot.com/2010/07/why.html )

You say, "Why?" I say, "Why?" as well. Why have the musical stylings of Sugar Raye flown under the radar for so long? This summer I have been treated to sweet sound of Sugar Raye by radio DJ's across the country.

Reasons why Sugar Raye rules:

1. Mark McGrath has frosted tips.

2. Mark McGrath has rockin' facial hair.

3. The entire group has bangin' dance moves.

4. Mark McGrath has "McGrath" tattooed across his back in Gothic lettering.

5. All of their songs are catchy and heartfelt and were clearly created by real musical geniuses.

Reasons why Sarah drools:

1. She hates Sugar Raye. Fool!

2. Her brain is mud.

3. She is obsessed with baby strollers like some weird baby snatcher lady.

4. She can't ride roller coasters, fly on planes, or eat lunch meat because she is pregnant.

I am proud to say that this summer was the best summer of my life largely due to the fact that Sugar Raye songs were so abundant on the radio.

I am proud to say that I gave this youtube video another well-deserved hit. Enjoy!

Step 36: Diet

I am a woman; therefore, I have a complicated relationship with food. Most mornings when I wake up, I swear off food. Daydreams of starving myself- refusing food, filling up on water, etc.- cloud my head. These fantasies of a skinnier self are quickly blotted out by a binge meal around four in the afternoon where I eat until I want to explode. After the binge meal, my self-image can go in two directions: 1. Good- I feel good about myself for choosing to eat because healthy people eat and that's what I am. Screw Hollywood and their stupid images. 2. Bad- I feel bad about myself because I really do want to look like Karen Carpenter, but it's just so hard to starve to death!

My days of starving myself only to gorge later are over. I have discovered a new diet that keeps the back pockets of your jeans empty and your wallet full:

That's right, Otter Pops. A freezer full of these little guys is like having your very own snow cone factory. They are delicious, timeless, and have practically no nutritional value- good or bad. I can eat Otter Pops all day long, as many of them as I want and never actually consume anything more than flavored ice. And the best part is that while eating Otter Pops continuously, you won't want anything else! They are that dang good.

So throw your scales out the window, your pills down the drain, and your pants with elastic-band waist lines in the garbage. It's Otter Pop time!

Step 35: Discover ChatRoulette

This weekend, I discovered something that both horrified and amazed me: ChatRoulette. A site that randomly connects you to other people all around the globe for a video chat. A person can type the conversation or just speak to the other person directly. A person can also "next" whoever he or she was paired up with if he or she so chooses. Needless to say, I got "nexted" a lot. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I kept saying, "Nice Polo" or "Sweet soul patch."

This video sums up the ChatRoulette experience pretty well and is also aesthetically pleasing:

Step 34: Be An Animorph

I am an Animorph. Someone stole a shot of me while I was in mid-morph from a human state to a beaver.

Step 33: Fulfill Your Dreams

Today I went to One-Man-Band for breakfast. I ate a dish called "Hobo Dream;" thus, fulfilling my dream to be homeless.