Step 42: Curse Everyone on the Planet

I don't have cable because I tend to waste my life away watching horrible reality TV shows. (They just suck you in! You can't blame me! If something is flashy and shiny and has lots of screaming involved, I can't look away.) However, there are still some fabulous shows that I love on cable, so I just watch the shows that I like on Hulu every week to keep up and buy the shows later.

This has been a full proof method until 30 Rock: Season 4. I missed the beginning of the fourth season because I forgot that it started or something...I don't remember why, but the point is, by the time I realized my mistake, Hulu had already taken off the first few episodes. I decided that rather than watch the rest of the season without the beginning episodes, I would wait all year until it came out on DVD. It was a long. hard. 30 Rock-less. year.

Two weeks ago, I finally ordered and received the much anitcipated fourth season. I open the package and pull out the disc on the far left of the tri-fold case. I started watching it kind of late one night, and I ended up falling asleep after three episodes or so. The next day I watched the rest of the disc. I felt confused as to what exactly was going on, but I just attributed it to the fact that I watched the beginning few episodes sort of sleepy (being sleepy in my family is approximately the same as being on heroine, so who knows what I saw). I continued with the season, but I kept feeling confused.

Yesterday, I sit down to watch the rest of the last disc. I press "select episode" rather than "play all" and realize, to my horror, that I was watching disc 1. Some fool of a person put the discs into the case wrong! They were ordered 2, 3, 1. At that point, I basically went into a rage black out and cursed everyone on the planet (sorry, everyone on the planet).

But, after some deep breaths, extensive swearing, and kicking my feet on my floor until the guy under me hit the ceiling with his broom handle, I calmed down and started the season over. The right way.

Step 41: New Things I Have Been Doing On Repeat So You Should Probably Do Them Too

1. yelling "Neva heard of him/her/it" in a bizarre accent that sounds vaguely British

2. saying "bobsled" instead of "cool" for no reason...no reason at all

3. calling seventh graders with braces "metal-mouth" because they always act shocked and hurt no matter how many times you say it

4. wearing leggings as real pants even when people tell you things like, "you are always wearing your pajamas everywhere"

5. listening to the Robert Francis song "Mescaline" on repeat at home, in the car, in the work place, on walks and anything else I may do

6. googling the word mescaline on your school computer where the district watches everything you do over and over as you look for the Robert Francis song "Mescaline"....they probably didn't even notice, right?

7. telling your students that you are going to stab your eyes out if they click that pen one more time, and then when they inevitably click their pen one more time, fall to your knees and drive your thumbs into your eyes while some of the girls yelp and gasp in shock even though this is a daily occurrence in class

Step 40: Get Mean. Get Real Mean.

I teach seventh grade English right now at Payson Junior High. I am exactly one week in, and it's been a bit harder than I expected sometimes. One boy would not stop yelling "double tird" at people on the first day of school. Another boy talks about boobs non-stop and thinks that I will believe him when he says, "I'm just supporting breast cancer." But, overall, I am enjoying my new job and my students.

However, I was recently informed that all of my students are not enjoying me. Today at my staff meeting, the foods teacher informed me of a conversation she had with a student we share...

Foods Teacher: How are your classes going?

Student: They're okay...I don't have a lot of classes with my friends...which sucks.

Foods Teacher: What about your teachers?

Student: I have the MEANEST English teacher.

Foods Teacher: Oh yea? Who is your English teacher?

Student: Ms. Neeley...she yells at us all the time and wants us to read a lot.

When I heard this story, I couldn't believe it! This student was from my one class that I don't ever have problems with. I have not yelled at them once! AND we have been doing fun group assignments and easy tasks. AND they've gotten candy almost everyday for being so well behaved and working hard on their assignments.

Well, if that boy thought I was mean before, wait until tomorrow. Ms. Neeley just got mean. For real this time.

Step 39: Only Be Attractive Outside of Your Home Country

What. In. The. Hell.

Every single time a guy hits on me, he is foreign. Which is not a bad thing...I like other countries just as much as the next guy; in fact, I probably like them more. But, I just don't get why the only men who EVER think I am attractive have a thick accent and have only been living in the US for a short time.

I have three theories:

1. Men from other countries appreciate a nice healthy butt (a nice way of saying an enormous rear end...which I have).

2. Men who are checking me out are new to America and are thus attracted to ANYTHING American including Hilary Clinton, obesity, diet pop, littering, western movies, the "NOW" CD's, and Nickelodeon.

3. Men who are fresh off the boat think I am a catch because they have lived in America for such a short time that they have not yet seen the full spectrum of what the female American has to offer.

Whatever the actual reason may be, I would like to know why native English speakers can't ask a girl out once in a while!

PS - To all of my foreign admirers out there- broken English + poorly executed pick up lines + plus taking my picture when I'm not looking (yes, that really did happen. Today. Twice by the same man.) does not really win me over.

Step 38: Get It From Your Momma

As many of you know, I am a half-assed vegetarian, a characteristic that gives me trouble on both sides. Real vegetarians and vegans find me even more insulting than meat-eaters, and meat-eaters find me dim-witted due to the fact that I avoid eating meat if possible.

My family falls into the "meat-eater" category. Now and then my family will give me a hard time about not loving meat. Once my mom even told me that not eating meat was just "abuncha liberal hocus pocus" (whatever that may mean). However, on my trip back to the east half of the US this summer, I realized that the apple does not fall far from the tree.

We noticed that the basement had a few mice roaming around in the ceiling, so we got mice traps to eradicate them. My mom bought a trap that consisted of a stick piece of paper to catch the mice and then the solution on the paper would make the mice fall asleep and eventually die. She set the paper in various places in the basement, and not long after, she noticed a mouse caught in the sticky paper, but not yet asleep by the magical sticky solution.

She was torn. She stared at the mouse for a bit, watching it writhe and whine on the paper. In the end, she decided to save the mouse. My mother gently removed the mouse from the paper, but the mouse was still covered in stickiness. Cradling the hurt mouse she was now calling Stewart Little, she attempted to rinse his sticky legs off in the sink. Try as she did, Stewart's legs remained sore and sticky. So, she put the mouse into a shoe box with a bit of peanut butter, cheese, and a wet paper towel so he would have water.

The next day, the mouse was perky and alert in his shoe box, almost fully recovered. My mom decided to spray him with Goo-Be-Gone to eliminate the stickiness. I was sure that this would finally be the end of Stewart. But, Stewart was a fighter. The Goo-Be-Gone freed his legs up and did not kill him. Once again, my mom left him with food and water for the night.

By the third day, Stewart was in perfect health. My mom was going to take him out of the shoe box and release him into the woods out back of our house. As my mom lifted Stewart out of the box in the kitchen to say good-bye, he sensed the danger he was in and lept out of her hands and behind our dishwasher, never to be seen again.

My mom now sets the metal traps that kill the mice and then leaves the dead mouse in the trap because she does not want to see the damage she has caused. Basically, she is a half-assed killer, like me. It's in my blood. Just like the wise Juvenile said, I get it from my momma.

Step 37: Love the 90's...and Don't Be Selective

(In response to Sarah Culp's July 28th blog post: "Why?" http://sarahandrobbie.blogspot.com/2010/07/why.html )

You say, "Why?" I say, "Why?" as well. Why have the musical stylings of Sugar Raye flown under the radar for so long? This summer I have been treated to sweet sound of Sugar Raye by radio DJ's across the country.

Reasons why Sugar Raye rules:

1. Mark McGrath has frosted tips.

2. Mark McGrath has rockin' facial hair.

3. The entire group has bangin' dance moves.

4. Mark McGrath has "McGrath" tattooed across his back in Gothic lettering.

5. All of their songs are catchy and heartfelt and were clearly created by real musical geniuses.

Reasons why Sarah drools:

1. She hates Sugar Raye. Fool!

2. Her brain is mud.

3. She is obsessed with baby strollers like some weird baby snatcher lady.

4. She can't ride roller coasters, fly on planes, or eat lunch meat because she is pregnant.

I am proud to say that this summer was the best summer of my life largely due to the fact that Sugar Raye songs were so abundant on the radio.

I am proud to say that I gave this youtube video another well-deserved hit. Enjoy!

Step 36: Diet

I am a woman; therefore, I have a complicated relationship with food. Most mornings when I wake up, I swear off food. Daydreams of starving myself- refusing food, filling up on water, etc.- cloud my head. These fantasies of a skinnier self are quickly blotted out by a binge meal around four in the afternoon where I eat until I want to explode. After the binge meal, my self-image can go in two directions: 1. Good- I feel good about myself for choosing to eat because healthy people eat and that's what I am. Screw Hollywood and their stupid images. 2. Bad- I feel bad about myself because I really do want to look like Karen Carpenter, but it's just so hard to starve to death!

My days of starving myself only to gorge later are over. I have discovered a new diet that keeps the back pockets of your jeans empty and your wallet full:

That's right, Otter Pops. A freezer full of these little guys is like having your very own snow cone factory. They are delicious, timeless, and have practically no nutritional value- good or bad. I can eat Otter Pops all day long, as many of them as I want and never actually consume anything more than flavored ice. And the best part is that while eating Otter Pops continuously, you won't want anything else! They are that dang good.

So throw your scales out the window, your pills down the drain, and your pants with elastic-band waist lines in the garbage. It's Otter Pop time!