Step 29: Worry

Worry about everything, especially those things out of your control.

Growing up in Pennsylvania, I worried about Tornadoes. As soon as a Tornado watch or threat was issued, I was in the basement with blankets and flashlights. When the sky was cloudy, I searched every visible inch to see if it was green. Green meant tornado. Tornado meant basement. This obsession was constantly in the background for me.

Once I moved to Utah, I was briefly freed from this natural disaster anxiety. However, my tornado anxiety quickly turned into earthquake anxiety. The earthquake which is overdue for the Wasatch fault haunts me daily.


As soon as I lay down in my bed at night, my thoughts turn to the earthquake.
"What would I do right now if the ground beneath me began to shake?"
I ask myself this. I obsess over this.
"Would I grab my shoes? Is there time for that? Should I make time? It's freezing outside. Who knows when I will be able to get shoes again if the whole valley is destroyed. What about a coat? Food? How much time will I have before the building collapses on me? Should I grab my phone? My purse? What should be first in the list of items?"
I decide at this point that I need to prioritize.
"Okay, I will need some of these things. Better to die in the building getting a coat than freeze to death outside. Shoes first, then coat.
No wait.
Shoes first, then purse. I will need money. Or will money be obsolete? Would a coat be the same as $100 if everyone is freezing and starving. But my ID could be important."
At this point, I realize that none of these things are put in a place where I can easily grab them on my way out the door.
"Where did I leave my shoes? Where is my warmest coat? Ach! Everything is everywhere. Nothing in its place. Nothing has a place. Should I get up now and make places for things and prepare my belongings? It could come any second. Any second. And what about my phone..."
This continues until I fall into a fitful unsound sleep.

In the shower I have the same worry. What if the earthquake hit then?
"Would I gather my clothes? Would I dress first? Should I just leave in a towel? What's safer, inside or outside? Should I finish rinsing the soap out of my hair if hit right now?"
With this thought, I frantically rinse my hair so that I can avoid this problem all together. (My hair cut has helped this process of frantic thinking and rinsing tremendously.) Then the shower finishes. Clothes are applie hastily and something resembling relaxation begins.

At school.
"Where will I hide? What's my nearest exit? How sound is this building? How many seconds will it take for the building to collapse? Does it really make sense to attend my classes that are held in the basement? I will hide under my desk. It will protect my skull. But not my air. The building will collapse and the other dieing people will use up my air as they suffocate with me. No one will save me any breaths."

At work.
In the car.
At the neighbor's.
Out to eat.
Grocery shopping.
The mechanic.
The mall.
etc.
etc.
etc.